Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Hit Me And I'll Hit You Back!



I’m going to say it right off: hitting is primitive. It is. I think of the caveman hitting the woman over the head and dragging her to his cave, claiming her as his own. I would think we as human beings would have evolved to a point by now where we didn’t have to use physical violence to prove our point. Some would argue that violence is a part of the human genome, and to that I say, Prove it!
 As parents, we don’t want to see our children picked on or pushed around, and we lack the knowledge of any better solution so we say, “If so-and-so hits you first, you hit them back.” The funny thing is I’ve seen parents tell their child this when it was obvious to me and everyone else around that their child was the aggressor.
It seems like today’s society is angrier and more violent than any other. Teenage girls are making Youtube videos of other teenage girls being beaten to a pulp by their peers. Sports stadium riots and beatings are on the rise, with more occurrences than ever before. Call it lack of moral and family values. Call it lack of religion and belief in sin and judgment.
Perhaps I’ll argue you about wars and world peace another time. Let’s make it more personal for right now. I hear some parents who yell at their boys – and girls – “If he hits you, you better hit him back!”
Yes, I will confess that I even told this to Ruqi once because I was distraught when she told me the boy in the red shirt was hitting her at preschool.  I wasn’t raised with this type of thinking, but I guess we all question our own upbringings, right?
My parents always taught NO HITTING. And guess what? I was never in a fight, and I never got picked on. I think it was all about confidence for me. My brother did not escape the punishment of unforgiving children as easily. He was teased and picked on, and that is probably the fear I have for my own children. But I now realize that there are other mechanisms we can use as parents to get the best of both worlds: a child who is both confident and non-violent. Talking to your children about conflict resolution from a young age is key and also demonstrating it in the household. If mommy and daddy and verbally/physically abusive or short-tempered, that is the lesson being taught to the child.
The ethic code starts with us the parents. What will we teach our children? As parents and caregivers we have the unique opportunity to be the very first moral influence on these young minds.  What will you choose?
P.S. I know what some of y’all are thinking: Is she saying a child should sit there and get beat up, and not fight back? NO!! Not at all. Even the Qur’an states that violence is permissible once one is transgressed. I am simply saying we as parents need to be examples of non-violence and peaceful conflict resolution J

7 comments:

Sanaa said...

Salam alayki sis, long time!! Oops I am one of those primitives' who teaches their kids to hit back if someone hits them first!!

One a serious note I do admonish my kids if they take their behaviour to another another level and yeah sometimes I feel bad and other times I don't. If I have told them ten times to stop and they are at the age of understanding and just being straight up defiant and disobedient I slap their bum sharp to attention! Sometimes I don't and to be honest in my home no method works all the time.
I was in the supermarket just last week and every time we go they stand on the aisle poles and climb whilst shoppers are right next to them.
The could easily fall and hurt themselves or hurt others near by and no matter how much I tell them not To, they do. So my 5 year climbs up and I told her to get down and she looked at me and continued to climb so I tapped her back and right away a women told me off stating I was young once and the same and tapping her was wrong. i told her she is being disobedient and i only tapped her but she was all dramatic about it like discipline is abuse and we just agreed to disagree.
I saw her point but when I was a child you didn't behave soo defiant and rude with your parents like the kids nowadays do.
You have to be strict and sadly for me a slap no and again is okay as long as not done with anger or contempt and not a action done regular for any old thing but that is just my way.
Nice to see you blogging again by the way.
Take care

Muslim Mommy said...

:) Let the truth be told from a real mom facing real challenges everyday! Thank you for sharing Sanaa!

Salihah said...

Good post and reminders. We cannot expect children to be what we are not, or to not be who we are. Assalaam alaykum, ukhti

Salihah said...

Also, I'm a mom of five boys, from infant to teen. I've never hit my children and they are respectful, kind, helpful, and compassionate. Violent themes have no place in our home or conflict resolution.

Muslim Mommy said...

Salihah, welcome to my blog! Alhamdulillah your comments are really appreciated. That is almost unheard of: a mom of five boys who is raising them to be non-violent. That is very reassuring to hear! It scares me to see really violent boys because I always think about when the day come we will have to faind a suitable husband for my daughters. No one is perfect, but if a man is verbally/physically abusive with my babies....OOOOoooo!!!! Authubillah!

Thank u sisters, You a doing a service to the Ummah by raising your children with proper conflict resolution.

Sanaa and Salihah- You sisters with 4,5,6 and more children... MashaAllah! Perhaps that will be be me one day?? Allahu Alum ;)

Sanaa said...

Salama alayki sister, haven't heard form you for a while so just wanted to send you my salams and see how are you doing? Hope the babies are well.

Sanaa said...

salam alayki Saaliah praise Allah have children who never misbehave to the point you even have to consider a slap. I don't know a mother yet who has never slapped her child for rude or outrageous behaviour so mashaAllah you must be exceptional and have exceptional children mashaaAllah. May Allah make them always respectful and uphold those good manners through out their lives ameen