The Yelling Game

I hate it. No seriously, I hate it.

“Stop this!” “Stop that!”

“What are you doing?!”

“Noooo!!!!!!”

Having a 6 month old and an almost 3 year old means that you can’t always chase after your 3 year old and correct her/him when they are going down the path towards destruction. So, what do we do? We yell! It’s really not a pretty sight. When we see someone else doing it, we shake our heads. Sometimes we remark, “Oh my God, WHY IS SHE YELLING LIKE THAT?” Sometimes we look down our noses because at that particular moment our child is being the picture perfect toddler: “Yes Mommy” “Please…Thank you…. Your Welcome.”

But when we’re the one in the spotlight, we either do one of two things:

1.        We attempt to mask our anger by doing the gritting teeth whisper yell:

“You better get your act together right now or else!” We threaten in an awkward last-resort whisper, hoping our child will be intimidated by the accompanied scowl.

OR

2.        We just loose it:

“Get your butt up off the floor right now _____! Do you hear me! Do you hear me!” We have really lost all reasoning by this point. At this point we have completely lost control of our child and our emotions. Usually this action makes everything much worse. Whatever was initially wrong with the child will now be amplified. Rage is met with rage. And the whole ordeal is both emotionally and physically distressing.

However, most yelling takes place in the home. This may seem more appropriate than a public show of rage, but the home is supposed to be the one place we can be at ease; our place of rest and recuperation after a stressful day out. So, as a parent, when I yell in my home, I am creating a hostile atmosphere.

I used to argue with my brother a lot from the ages of 10-14. He was older, but I was not intimidated by him, and did not accept the concept of sonority when it came to anything. We would argue over silly things, like what to watch on television. Sometimes we would be in a yelling match, calling each other hurtful names, and I don’t even know how it all started. Then my brother went to college and my yelling was retired.

…Until now. Having a two year old has revived this ugly trait from my past. I rarely even yell in my marriage because as an adult, I have grown to hate confrontation. Yet as I sit here now and write this blog, my voice is actually hoarse. I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t yell at my daughter. It is sad and it is exhausting. Ruqi is a normal toddler, with lots of energy, imagination and curiosity to explore everything within her reach. With a baby on board, I do not have the time to calmly walk her through every moment of her life, explaining what is right and what is wrong. It all started while I was pregnant; battling sickness, fatigue, and all the emotional ups and downs of pregnancy, my fuse was short.

The other factor is that Ruqi shows that she understands so much, so perhaps I confuse her understanding of certain things with actual comprehension. For instance, I will see how gently she interacts with the baby, so I trust her to play with her sister without hurting her. What a misjudgment on my part! Most of the time she is gentle and soft and her sister adores her, but then there are the times when she grabs Saji’s face in her hands and squeezes and it all happens so fast that all I hear is Saji screeching for help. So, of course I yell, and I yell loud. It’s to the point that Ruqi isn’t even affected by my yelling anymore. So why do I do it? It obviously isn’t working.

I bought Dr. Sears’s “The Dicipline Book” and it’s great. In typical Dr. Sears fashion, the book is more about training parents than it is about training children. So, I recommend it to anyone who might have a yelling problem or any other roadblock in their parenting. And prayer, prayer always works…

Day by Day, Moment by Moment

A Typical Week:

Monday-      Wash Ruqi’s hair

Tuesday-      Clean bedroom, wash clothes

Wednesday- Visit Grandma

Thursday-     Go to Children’s Museum

Friday-         Go to Masjid

Saturday-     Attempt to make some calls

Sunday-       Catch up on schoolwork

Perhaps some of you could accomplish everything on this list in one day and still have time to spare, and three years ago, I could have too. But times have changed. I have two children under the age of three now. Over the past six months, I have spent a lot of time worrying, rushing, complaining, and regretting because it seems like I can’t ever get a thing done. And when I do get something done- a simple task- it takes a whole day of more.

If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, I’ll tell you hour-by-hour how this past Monday went:

5am – wake up and lay in bed wondering why I am awake. I feel two sets of legs resting on my legs. I am a mommy sandwich, smushed between a toddler and a very large 6 month old, and I don’t dare move an inch for fear of waking anyone up and disturbing the early morning peace.

5:45am – I realize it is time for the morning prayer, and since I am still awake, I really have no excuse for skipping out on it. So, I slither from between the two sleeping beauties and make my way down the hall to the bathroom, not looking back. I preform the ritual cleansing, feeling the refreshing splash of water on my face and into my mouth and nostrils. As soon as I was started to take in a very deep breath, I hear a whimper, then covers rustling, then a screeching cry. I run down the hall scooping up little Saja into my arms, and a sudden feeling of overwhelming responsibility blankets over my initial excitement about performing the early morning prayer in peace.

6:15 am – After suckling, baby Saja is now asleep, yet with a heightened awareness of her physical connection to me. I try to set her down, and she cringes and whimpers. The longer I wait, the more the sun begins to creep up, so I settle to just pray sitting, while cradling my baby girl. Afterwards, I lay in the bed awake. I glanced over at my 2 year old who was playing in her sister’s baby powder with their 4 year old cousin the day before. Even after washing her hair, it was evident the powder had dried out her hair so much that it was brittle and the strands were tangling and locking together. It was evident I had to do something about this hair dilemma, but dreaded doing anything to Ruqi’s hair because she is tender headed and screams and cries and runs away the minute I confront her tightly coiled afro.

Okay, so you’re thinking, it’s not even daylight yet; tell this story a little faster! I’m sorry, but this is my life. I’ll just stick to the main parts from now on…

The point of the story is that it took a WHOLE day just to do Ruqi’s hair. Actually, two days, if you count the first time I washed it the day before. Just making meals, pampering and feeding the baby, and entertaining the children takes up the majority of my day. In between all that - I have finally figured out -that I can really only get one major task completed a day- if I’m fortunate! On Monday, it was washing, deep conditioning, moisturizing, and braiding little Ruqi’s hair.

I have finally come to peace with the fact that caring for the babies is a JOB and it is MY JOB. I have a wonderful husband, but that’s beside the point. I used to value myself on how many things I could get accomplished a day that don’t concern my children. For instance, doing schoolwork, going grocery shopping, writing a blog, making any income to contribute to the home, making important phone calls, ...ect.

It would upset me if Saja had a fussy day and needed to be held and fed LITERALLY all day, therefore not even allowing me to perform the simplest household task, like doing the laundry or preparing dinner. I wouldn’t be upset with her, but I’d be upset and disappointed with myself for not being able to multitask well enough to get everything on my agenda taken care of.

From now on I’m taking a stand! A stand against myself, for myself. I’m taking a stand against a society that makes women feel as though they have to juggle children + home + work + school + marriage and pull it all off with perfection. That’s madness! I am making a resolution:

1.       Take 1 day at a time. Whatever I can do today, I will. I will plan, but if plans fall apart, it’s okay.

2.       Take 1 moment at a time. Whoever said multitasking was a good thing? Do 1 thing at a time and do it well.

3.       Be Present. Cherish every moment. I will not take 1 moment for granted, and I will not have regrets.

4.       Be Happy. I will enjoy my life and enjoy my children. A happy mommy = A Happy Home.

5.       Remember the Power of God. I am not capable of doing all things, but GOD is. So pray, and ask for strength and forgiveness and guidance.

Life is a journey with ups and downs and turnarounds. As a mother, it’s all the harder to feel like your happiness and peace of mind matter in the scheme of things. But believe me, it matters. Just writing this post - knowing my children will be waking from their nap soon and there was a ton of “important” things I should have been doing – has uplifted my spirit. Do something today, no matter how small, to uplift yours. 

A Great Grandfather

What can I say? I have a great father! And Saji and Ruqi have a great grandfather! We (Nana, Pop-pop, Ruki, Saja and myself) took a weekend trip to Ocean City, NJ and we had a blast. I was busy caring for 11 week old Saja most of the time, and didnt really have the physical or mental capacity to care for her 2 year sister. But my parents made up for what I lacked. I feel so blessed to have parents that are so loving and caring for their children and grandchildren.

Growing up, we were always short on cash, but never short on love. When many families were going to Disney World, we were going on much less expensive camping trips in the Pocono Mountains. The four of us would pile into a two person tent. And as much as I griped and complained, it was ingrained into me that family was about time spent and not about money spent. We were poor in money, but rich in values and love. I pray that I can pass on these values to my children.

Amazon for Stay-At-Home Moms

Guess what's new? I'm now a mommy of two! It's wonderful and exhausting and fulfilling and EXHAUSTING! But at the end of the day, all I can do is thank God for my two healthy beautiful girls! So I gave you a list of products that helped me get through my pregnancy, so now I will give you a list of items that have helped me get through my first three months postpartum.

While pregnant, I had a vision of throwing my new baby girl in a sling and just carrying on my life as normal. But I quickly leaned mommies run on their baby's schedules, NOT the other way around. And that was fine at first, but then I started needing stuff: clothes, baby gadgets, baby gear, phone accessories, books, and many gifts for other people.

If I drag baby #2 out the door, it's usually for some type of recreational activity for baby #1 or the grocery store (only because I have no other choice). So, the most useful and convinient means I have found for purchasing my needs and wants was through internet shopping. And the most frequented website on my list is Amazon.com simply because of the one-stop-shop convenience and the "free super-saver shipping" which many items on their website qualify for.



Okay, I will quickly explain to you all this list. I bought the Leapfrog and Preschoolprep DVDs for my two-year-old. They are educational and entertaining! My phone charger broke but I didn't have time to stand in line and pay $30 for a replacement. Would you believe me if I told you I got this set of three chargers (USB, wall charger, car charger) for under $2! You don't believe me? Check it out for yourself. I must admit, they are not the quality of the charger directly from samsung (instead of fully charging my dead phone in under 3 hours, it takes about 5 hours), but I am very pleased for the cheap price.

The power drill was a Fathers Day gift for my wonderful father who helped me so much with keeping baby #2 busy while I was nursing baby #2 or just getting some overdue rest!

I ordered the nipple butter because my soar nipples wear cracking, but unfortunately I didn't get it expressed shipped, so by the time I recieved the all-natural cocoa based butter, my nipples were already healed. However, it came in really great handy when I discoved baby #2 had excema and the Earth Mama nipple butter softened my newborns little rough patches :)

The Summer Infant Carseat complete body support coushin was just what I needed to keep my little one snug in her carseat and it allowed me to put her in the double stroller at 3 months without the carseat (Perhaps it also helped that she's a monster baby lol).

Three Cups of Tea is a great read when you need the escape the realities of momydom. Being a mom of two under three can become very overwhelming at times, but internet shopping has made my road just tad more smoother to travel.

I have also purchased items like bedding and my double stroller from target.com and walmart.com. Catch them when they are having deals and FREE SHIPPING!

HELP!! Should I Let the Dentist put my Two Year Old Under General Anesthesia?

Okay, I really need some insight on this one...

My two year old daughter, you know Ruki :), went to her first dentist appointment today. Despite our daily brushings, she had two cavities in her molars. One is small, and the other is huge. The dentist said my toddler needed to be put to sleep - general anesthesia - to get a filling on one tooth and a filling and a crown on the other.

I almost cried right there in the dentist office. I must be a horrible mother, right? Well, actually from what I've been reading on the web, it might have been the extensive night nursing we did for almost two years that contributed to it, who knows? What I do know, is that she has a huge cavity and it would probably be irresponsible of me to just let it sit until her baby teeth fall out naturally. Only being two, that might be five years from now!

But general anesthesia?? That seems so intense for her little body. If she needed surgery for major illness, obviously it would be a no-brainer, but for dental work? I've done some internet research about nitrous oxide (laughing gas) and conscious anesthesia, but many articles say for her age, general anesthesia might be best. Her dentist gave me a stack of paperwork and waivers to sign before I get the procedure done. A waiver has to be signed by her pediatrician also. If its so safe, whats with all the waivers??

Has anyone had an experience similar to this? I will continue my research and ask her pediatrician, but I need some moral support, suggestions, anything you can offer! May God guide us on the righteous path!

The American Academy of Pediatric Dentist - click here to see what they say about general anesthesia

Surviving the 2nd Pregnancy

YES! I'm pregnant... AGAIN! I know, it's wrong to disappear for 9 months and come back 8 months pregnant! Believe me, though, I've been busy. You know, the usual, going to school, tending after baby #1, who is actually a giant sized toddler now, but insist on everyone calling her BABY lol. This post is about how I have managed to come this far, with the mercy of God, and still be somewhat sane and enjoying life.

I should probably be getting paid for a blog like this, because I am clearly promoting a bunch of products, but unfortunately I'm volunteering the advertisements because these items truly have helped me survive over the past 32 weeks!

Comfy, yet stylish, Pink and Black Nike Air. I broke down and spent $100 at the local Lady's Footlocker, but I found them on sale on this site.

Bio-Oil- feels good to rub on the growing baby belly, plus fades old stretch marks and prevents new ones! I also use Burt's Bees Tummy Butter just cause it feels good and makes my skin soft as a baby:)

Merona Wrap-Around Wool Maternity Coat. I knew in November that my belly was growing fast and I had to invest in a maternity coat. But luckily for me, I found a great one without too much investing, paying $59.99 on Target.com

Tea. Chamomile to unwind and Black tea to stay awake. A pregnant body is going to do what it wants, but at least the teas made me stop and take a deep breath, bringing some peace to a hectic, sleepy, insomnia-filled pregnancy.

PRAYER - last, but certainly not least! Taking some time out a few times a day to be quiet and offer worship to the Creator is a must! When life seems to be escaping me, and I feel confused and overwhelmed, I just thank God that I am living and breathing and have people that love and care for me! I thank God for my little ones and for their health. Pregnancy can be a very stressful time, but it's important to appreciate the little things- the kicks and wiggles, even the sickness is a sign that a life is growing inside you!